


You Were My Favorite "What If"

by QueenTrickster



Category: Jacksepticeye RPF, Markiplier RPF, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Regret, Sad Mark, Sadness, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:23:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenTrickster/pseuds/QueenTrickster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> You were my favorite "what if", you are my best "I'll never know" </i>
</p><p> </p><p>He had been preparing for his confession when Jack had suddenly called him and of course he had picked up his phone within seconds after it had started to ring, he always looked forward to hearing Jack’s voice but now he wished he had never answered that call.</p><p>On the other end of the line Jack had sounded happy and energetic, even more so than usual, and it had made Mark smile until those cursed words had left Jack’s mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Were My Favorite "What If"

**Author's Note:**

> hello~ I am here to bring you pain, I hope you'll enjoy it
> 
> ((this was a songlyrics prompt by a lovely anon on tumblr and it became a bit long))

_You were my favorite "what if", you are my best "I'll never know"._

~

Mark stiffly got up, fake smile plastered all over his face, as he applauded the newly wedded couple, Jack and his girlfr-, wife. That’s who she was now, Jack’s wife. He felt his cheeks hurt as he smiled even wider and then Jack turned around, the brightest smile Mark had ever seen lighting up his face, eyes brimming with joy and Mark could feel something break inside him but he didn’t stop smiling, he couldn’t stop smiling.

Jack ran up to him and fell into his arms and he became even more stiff, he hadn’t thought it would be possible yet here he was but he tried to relax quickly so Jack wouldn’t notice anything.

“I can’t believe I’m a married man now,” Jack said with a hoarse voice, tears blinking in his eyes and Mark felt as if his insides were being ripped to shreds.

“Jane, she-, she is pregnant you know? She told me this morning, I’m gonna be a dad, this really is the best day of my life,” Jack told him, pulling Mark in for another hug. “I’m gonna be a dad,” Jack whispered as if he couldn’t believe it yet. Mark couldn’t believe it either, he felt dead on the inside and it wouldn’t surprise him if he would have vomited right there and then.

But he didn’t, he smiled, smiled while he congratulated Jack, clapping him on the back and he smiled when he congratulated Jane who looked like an angel so bright and happy and his smile almost faltered, almost.

He smiled the rest of the night as it whirled by in a blur, smiled so much that he thought his face would be stuck with this fake smile on it forever.

But as soon as the door of his hotel room closed behind him he sank on his knees and a sob that ripped through him escaped his mouth. The tears started falling as sob after sob made his body shudder.

Suddenly the need to vomit overtook him and he half-crawled half-ran towards the bathroom, reaching the toilet just in time to empty his stomach in it, the stomach acid burning his throat as it left a bitter taste behind.

Panting he let his forehead rest against the cold porcelain of the toilet as he closed his eyes, trying not to think of that night five years ago but failing.

It was the night after a successful con, he and Jack had had two panels together and both had been amazing, he loved sharing the stage with Jack and the crowd loved it as well. Now he and Jack were celebrating the successful ending by getting totally wasted in Jack’s room.

Mark was lying on Jack’s bed, his arms stretched out to the ceiling and he was giggling about something stupid Jack had said when he felt something heavy fall next to him and when he looked over he saw Jack staring at him with an intense look in his eyes.

“You okay there, Jack?” Mark slurred and Jack just nodded, keeping his eyes focused on Mark’s face. Suddenly he felt Jack’s fingertips on his face as they traced over his cheek, “You’re beautiful,” the Irishman murmured fascinated, “so beautiful.”

Mark gulped as a weird shiver made it’s way to his stomach.

“What,” he began, wetting his lips and he saw Jack follow the movement of his tongue with his eyes, “what are you talking about.”

“I’m talking about how beautiful you are,” Jack whispered softly and Mark almost couldn't hear him.

“Because,” Jack said with a drowsy voice, “I love you, you doof.”

Mark stiffened but before he could do anything else a soft snore escaped from Jack’s mouth. The Irishman was fast asleep, his hand still resting on Mark’s face.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, Jack had just told him that he loved him. But he was drunk, very drunk, he had probably just meant it in a friendship way, right?

Mark wasn’t really sure. The way Jack had looked at him, the things he had said… he really wasn’t sure if this was just friendship. And if Jack really was in love with him? What then? He didn’t love Jack like that, did he? Suddenly he wasn’t so sure and a strangled noise of confusement escaped his mouth.

He quickly got up, he needed to get away from Jack, he needed to clear his head. The things Jack had said, they were doing strange things to him. That and the booze, he was sure of it.

He was halfway through the room when he suddenly turned around and stalked back to the bed, looking down onto Jack’s sleeping figure, before he removed Jack’s shoes and put a blanket over him. As Mark pulled the blanket over Jack’s chin he bent down and pressed a chaste kiss on Jack’s cheek before he realised what he was doing and quickly pulled away, almost storming out of the room in his haste of getting to his own.

Once in his own room he stayed up all night, unable to sleep as Jack’s words spooked through his head.

The next morning neither of them brought up the conversation of the previous night, Mark suspected that Jack had forgotten all about it, he had drunk way more than Mark had after all and he had a horrible hangover to proof it. Mark himself didn’t bring it up because he felt weird, slightly afraid even, so he let it slide, convincing himself that he would bring it up another time.

Months passed and Mark never brought it up again but that didn’t mean he didn’t think about it, no, it was the opposite, at some point it almost consumed him as he was thinking about it constantly.

He realised his true feelings a few weeks after that night but he didn’t want to accept it, couldn’t accept it yet, so he pushed it away, suppressed it somewhere deep within him. It took him months to accept his feelings, to accept that he was in love with Jack, so very deeply in love.

He had been preparing for his confession when Jack had suddenly called him and of course he had picked up his phone within seconds after it had started to ring, he always looked forward to hearing Jack’s voice but now he wished he had never answered that call.

On the other end of the line Jack had sounded happy and energetic, even more so than usual, and it had made Mark smile until those cursed words had left Jack’s mouth.

_Mark, I have something to tell you, I got a girlfriend today, her name is Jane and she’s super cute and I met her when…_

“Fuck!” Mark exclaimed as he punched the black and white tiles of the bathroom floor, sending pain up through his arm but he didn’t care.

“Fuck,” he said again, softer this time, as tears rolled down his cheeks.

He could have had it all, he could have had Jack but he had let it slip through his fingers like a stupid idiot. Happiness had been in his grasp and he had been too dumb to recognize it so he had let it go.

Why.

Why had it taken him so long to realise his own feeling for Jack, why hadn’t he accepted it earlier. They could have been together, he could’ve been the one that married Jack today. He could have had a future next to Jack.

But instead of him Jane stood beside Jack, both of them smiling brightly as Mark’s heart was being ripped apart, never knowing how the world would look with Jack next to him and he hated it. And he couldn’t even hate her, she was a good woman, she really was but he wished he could, it would make everything so much easier, but he couldn’t do it. He could only hate himself, blame himself and that he did.

“Damn it all,” he sobbed, “Why was I such an idiot? Why didn’t I realise it sooner, why didn’t you make me realise it sooner, God? Why? What have I done wrong to be punished like this?”

Mark cried, his tears blurring his vision and his sobs so violent that they made him tremble.

“I love you, Jack,” he whispered to the empty bathroom, the words leaving his mouth for the very first time, “I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don’t leave me. I need you, please?” But there was no one in the empty room to answer him and Mark covered his eyes with his hands and cried as despair, loneliness, and self hate pulled him down into the dark. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write an unrequited septiplier fic for a while now but I didn't have the time or any good ideas but then this prompt showed up and it was perfect for P A I N and I had a lot of fun writing it so I hope you guys liked the pain and angst :)
> 
> comments about what you think of this fic or tips are always welcome! 
> 
> and feel free to say hi to me on tumblr at: theseptiplierboss.tumblr.com


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